


moondust

by bunnieju



Series: come on skinny love [1]
Category: NCT (Band), WAYV
Genre: (I am the weak), Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Not K-Pop Idols, Angst, Falling In Love, HA I BET YOU THOUGHT I WOULD WRITE FLUFF, I'm Sorry, M/M, Painful as fuck to write, Unrequited Love, fluff is for the weak, now that I think about it the prompter probably wanted fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-15
Updated: 2019-10-15
Packaged: 2020-12-09 16:20:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20997725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bunnieju/pseuds/bunnieju
Summary: Kun is dorky, way too into planes, and has a penchant for wearing sweaters even in the summer. Ten has no idea why he likes that so much.





	1. With golden string, our universe was brought to life

**Author's Note:**

> [here's the spotify playlist I made while writing](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7Hjx4i86JgdRJVTVoPf4g5?si=sEBcnd3XRnObiNNGZvJDvw)
> 
> prompt number: #W262

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "That we may fall in love every time we open up our eyes."

Love is strange. It is a shortness of breath in a first meeting, a warmth under your skin when with a friend, a pride that fills your body when talking about your passion, or the tingling in your heart in the presence of your family. Everyone loves, in one way or another. Love is not one size fits all, because love exists not only between lovers but also between the individual and the world, between the individual and companions, between the individual and self. So many different types of love that exist in so many states. 

Ten had lived in a small town in the Gwangju region of South Korea for four years when he’d decided to move to Seoul alone to attend university. His Korean was still shaky, his sense of direction never developed, and his family had decided to move back to Thailand, but Ten loved challenges and he wasn’t about to run away crying. The sheer thought of being away from his family and experiencing the good, the bad, and ugly of the fast-paced Korean city sent a feeling of pure thrill through his young, naive veins.

So, 16 months before his graduation, he had announced his plans to his small-town class in his accented Korean. “I’m going to go to university in Seoul.” Ten had stood proud in his statement but quickly deflated as his class broke into uncontrollable laughter. 

“Ten, we’re farmers.” A girl had spoken up. “Your parents came here to make a living off farming, we go to school and help our parents so that we can make a living off farming too. It works, so no one leaves, especially to go to the big city.”

"Plus, those big-city universities never take us small-town folks." Another girl scoffed.

This infuriated Ten. He had been told that he couldn’t do something that he dreamed of, and that was unacceptable. If no one ever left, he was going to be the one to leave. “Well, I’m going to university in Seoul, forget your farming, I want something different. I’m going to get into the highest-ranked university in Seoul.”

And boy was Ten a stubborn teen.

Nearly a year and a half later, he had gotten a full-ride scholarship to Seoul National University, leaving his classmates’ jaws dropped in disbelief. Ten practically preened for the whole period between getting his acceptance and his move to Seoul, he had done exactly what they said he couldn’t and shouldn’t, so he had a right to shove it in their faces. 

The move to Seoul was harder than he anticipated.

A downfall to Ten’s goal was that he never thought about the after. The university was providing him with living space as part of his scholarship, but how was he going to finance his nutrition and social life? He didn’t know how to cook, so even if he could buy cheap groceries, how would he learn how to cook with it? Did he even want to study business management? He was beginning to think that he should have stuck to the security there was in his family’s farming.

Ten had scrambled together a pseudo plan and about two weeks before classes began, he had moved into the student apartment provided to him. The student residence apartment was a modern, minimalist open floor plan with two bedrooms, one bathroom, and space for a roommate. A roommate that he hadn’t met yet but had been in contact with through the Weibo account given to him by the student residence office.

His roommate, Qian Kun, was an international student from China and had a higher proficiency in Korean than Ten, despite never stepping on Korean soil. Ten didn’t know how, but he didn’t ask anyways, instead he asked for other basic information. This lead to him learning that Kun was only a month older than him, was entering the aviation engineering program at SNU, and was arriving in Seoul a week after Ten. Ten offered to welcome him at the airport, but Kun declined, saying that he was arriving in Busan half a week before going to Seoul and had a cousin that would pick him up and take him to the dorms, then informing Ten that he would stay with his cousin for a few days first.

Ten acknowledged what he was told and they had no further conversations.

A week after moving in, Ten sat on the end of his bed in his new room and sighed. He had just finished unpacking and realized that this was his new safe space: four walls, a bed, a desk, and a closet. This apartment was his new home this year, and if all went well with his roommate possibly for the next four years.

The apartment was supposed to be home, but at that moment as he sat there just staring, it felt cold and empty. Ten sighed once more, standing up to lock the front door and turn off all the lights. He then came back to his room and slipped under the cold covers to peacefully let go of another lonely day.

At least it would have been peaceful if he didn’t wake up to the sound of his front door opening. It was in instances like this, where Ten’s life was in danger, that Ten thanks whatever higher power or biology that decided that he should be a light sleeper.

Ten immediately snapped into high alert, and quietly slipped out of his bed, heading towards his closet where the baseball bat his sister had gifted him was stored. Baseball bat in hand, he made a mental reminder to thank his sister and began quietly creeping down the hall. He reached the edge of the hallway where it opened up to the living room and kitchen, and he hears faint sounds. Ten carefully looked around the corner and there on the dining table in his dark kitchen, sat a man. 

The dark made it hard to see the man’s features, but the man did not look particularly tall or big in any way, but robbers were robbers and Ten didn’t judge. In fact, he could have probably taken this guy down with a few swings, if his hands stopped shaking. Or if the robber didn’t have a gun. His heartbeat picked up the pace and it took Ten a few moments to convince himself to not run back to his room like a coward.

Ten wasn’t a coward, and the way he ran forward to take a quick and quiet swing at the intruder sitting in his kitchen proved that. Unfortunately, Ten’s hands were shaking so hard that he missed the intruder’s head and hit the chair instead, knocking it and the intruder over. The intruder quickly scrambled off the ground, letting out a loud yelp and running to the other side of the table, as Ten swung down to hit him and instead hit the floor, leaving a small crack in the floor. Ten quickly made his way around the table and cornered the intruder in the living room.

“Ten! Wait!” The intruder shrieked in fear, causing Ten to hesitate. How does he know Ten’s name? Was he targeted and they gathered information? The intruder took Ten’s moment of hesitation to further explain. 

“Hi!” The intruder smiled nervously, arms raised to shield his head. “I’m Kun, your roommate.”

Now that he was closer, he could see the intruder’s features in the dim light. Blond hair, light dimples, and kind eyes, this was Kun as Ten recognized from Kun’s weibo profile picture. He had just attempted to hospitalize his roommate.

“...Hello, Kun.” Ten grimaced and lowered his weapon. “I’m sorry about that, I thought I had shitty luck and was getting robbed within a week in my new apartment.”

“It’s not every day you meet your new roommate at four am, after thinking he’d arrive at anything but ass o’clock.” Kun lowered his arms, letting out a breath. “I ended up leaving my cousin’s house yesterday instead of today like I said I would, I should have texted you.”

“It’s fine, just don’t scare me like that again.” Ten said with an awkward smile.

“Yeah, I don’t want you bashing in my skull.” Kun joked, laughing at Ten’s expression. Ten’s heart was still running wild and his head was way too loud, therefore he decided at that moment that he hadn’t slept enough to deal with this.

“Okay...Since this is...resolved. Welcome to your new home roomie.” Ten steps backward, then turning to go into the hallway. “I’m going to head back to bed.”

“Sleep well!” Kun calls out behind him, but he doesn’t respond.

Honestly, Ten expected to wake up the next morning and find out that it had just been a weird dream, and he had not attempted to kill his roommate. But when he headed into the kitchen around noon for breakfast, rubbing the sleep out of his tired eyes, was met with an unusual sight.

“Good morning.” A soft voice rung out from somewhere in the kitchen as Ten exited the hall and entered the open area, eyes half-closed.

“Good morn-” Ten began, voice deep and cracking from the lack of use, before his brain processed the sight and his eyes widened in astonishment. “What happened here?”

Every single cupboard, drawer, and even the fridge had been left open to reveal its contents, but that wasn't the surprising part. The reason Ten was so surprised was because while the cupboards were previously mostly empty, aside from the five-dollar box of cheap ramen packets he was living off, right now they were nearly full with way too much food for only two people. And there in the middle of the kitchen stood Kun, surrounded by at least 20 reusable grocery bags in different states of being unpacked.

"What is all of this?" Ten was suddenly wide awake as he stared at the state of their kitchen. "Did you buy all of it?"

"Yes," Kun narrowed his eyes, putting his hands on his hips. "I have a bone to pick with you. Ramen? That's all you've been living off?" 

"I'm a broke kid from the countryside," Ten straightened his posture in caution at the challenging posture Kun took. "Of course I'm living off ramen."

All tension and challenge left Kun’s body, and the breath stopped filling into Ten’s lungs. Kun, as Ten could tell in the morning nearly afternoon light, was chronically beautiful. He had the kind of face that stopped you in your tracks. Kun wore a light blue sweater that Ten’s thought no one could pull off, but lo and behold, it hugged Kun’s slim figure perfectly, complementing the black jeans he had on. Kun’s eyes were set on him with a sort of kindness Ten had never been the receiver of before, a kindness so genuine and innocent. 

“I’m sorry if I made you feel negatively there, I was just concerned because living off ramen alone is really bad for your health.” Kun’s cupid bow lips were so pretty and captivating that Ten wanted to just touch them but ultimately decided not to. Ten watched in horror as Kun’s lips stretched into a gentle smile and his heart picked up speed to a pace so fast he thought it was going to jump out of his chest.

Ten was so screwed.


	2. You’re a sky full of stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I could make you happy, make your dreams come true,  
There's nothing that I wouldn't do,  
Go to the ends of the Earth for you."

Love is kindness. Love is gentle kindness in a smile, one that connects to others with ease and sees a person in entirety, never neglecting their brilliant shine or the black cloud that contaminates their soul. Love is a helping hand from those that believed people should radiate in their strengths and weaknesses and never fail to pull others up, even if it means falling for a little while. Love holds hands and shows that we’ll never walk alone.

_Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick._

The sound Ten’s retractable pen filled the silence with every press to its button. The sound was comforting to Ten, as he was never particularly fond of long periods of silence, yet couldn’t be bothered to get up from his place on the floor to fill the silence with music. 

It was a Tuesday night, and while each of Ten’s fellow business management major classmates probably sat at their desks, nearly done with the assignment for their economics class, Ten laid starfish style on the floor of his medium-sized room, eyes closed, and pen in hand. Ten’s desk was the definition of a chaotic clutter: papers covering every open space, books stacked randomly on top of papers, pens, highlighters, and pencils scattered over the papers.

“Hey, Ten!” A yell comes from somewhere in the house. “Have you seen my gloves? It’s way too cold outside but I can’t find them!”

Ten sighed, opening his eyes to look at his white painted ceiling. With a year of living with Kun, Ten could confirm: Kun was strange. Kun was dorky, way too into planes, and had a wardrobe that consisted exclusively of sweaters and sweater vests, which he wore even on the hottest summer days. But Ten thought it was cute.

Seeing how socially inept Kun was when he arrived at their apartment, but how his eyes lit up when he talked about his major in aviation engineering, or when he got excited when he successfully performed a magic trick, it brought a breath of fresh air to Ten’s lungs. Ten’s motto was “fake it till you’re successful, regardless if you hate it,'' seeing how genuine Kun was in everything he did was admirable.

Ten wished that maybe one day he could feel that same genuineness in his life.

Footsteps sounded from down the hall approaching his bedroom door before they stopped right in front of it. Ten turned his head to face the door and through the small gap between the door and the floor, Ten saw Kun’s beat-up knock-off brand sneakers. “Come in, Kun.” Ten snorted, turning his head to face the ceiling again.

Ten heard the door creaking open slowly and then a soft sigh from Kun. The sound of the door opening wider and then closing was so soft that Ten nearly missed it, but the footsteps that made their way across the room to his bed resonated in Ten’s head.

Ten finally turned his head towards Kun once he heard Kun plop down on Ten’s twin bed with a small creak from the bed frame. There, on Ten’s bed, sat Kun with a sympathetic expression that Ten both loved and despised. Ten didn’t want pity.

“What?” Ten said, narrowing his eyes at Kun who didn’t acknowledge the bite in Ten’s voice.

“I should be asking you that.” Kun leaned forward, raising an eyebrow at Ten. “What’s going on that has you in such a loud existential crisis?”

“What-” Ten cut himself off and scoffed. “I’m not even making any noise.”

“You didn’t deny the existential crisis though,” Kun pointed out. “What’s got your thoughts so loud?”

Ten stared at Kun for what felt like an eternity but may have really been just a minute. Kun did not break eye contact, Ten was the one who broke it, turning to stare at his ceiling once more.

“I’m a real-life 404: not found error, Kun.” Ten sighed. “This is truly tragic.”

“How come?” Kun asked softly. “I thought everything was going well with your major and grades.”

“Well, they are,” Ten started clicking at his retractable pen again. “But I’m just...miserable. I don’t like business management, and no matter how good I am at it or how much my parents praise me for picking something practical, I just can’t imagine spending the rest of my life working a 9-5 desk job.”

“You don’t like job security?” Kun joked lightly. “Where do you see yourself then?”

Ten breathed out heavily through his nose. “I want to do something more than just sit at a desk in an office full of corporate assholes. Job security is nice, but have you ever felt the high of flexibility and creativity?”

“I have,” Kun hummed. “But my passion is aviation engineering, so maybe differently. Tell me, where do you feel like you have that flexibility and creativity?”

Ten didn’t know how to answer. Just how did he feel those feelings he lusted after? Where did this addiction start? Silence fell over them like a heavy blanket as Ten traveled deeper into his own head.

“I’m trying to become an aviation engineer,” Kun broke the silence. “I love airplanes, so I took on a rigorous program that makes me feel lifeless sometimes, but you know what Ten?”

Ten turned his head to face Kun, and Kun was staring right at him with a gentle smile and the look of sincerity in his eyes. “It makes me feel the most alive.” 

The air around Kun was heavy of passion and genuine love for what he did, Ten only stared in awe at how much love Kun had for his profession.

“To most people, the sky's the limit, but to me…” Kun’s smile widened. “The sky is home.”

“Then why didn’t you become a pilot?” Ten murmurs after a few moments of silence. Ten couldn’t think of why Kun would torture himself as much as he had with all his engineering courses when he could simply go to aviation school. “Why did you choose to be the math nerd of flying?”

“To invent an airplane is nothing. To build one is something. To fly is everything.” Kun’s voice softened to a gentle caress. “So imagine being the reason why so many people get to experience the sky safely. That so many people can fly because I create and fix humanity’s wings. That’s the best high I could ask for.”

Ten didn’t reply. Ten instead turned his head back to his ceiling, thoughts heavy and bouncing off the walls in his head. Deep down he knew what he was looking for, but was it possible? He’d never thought about making a career out of it, so was he ready to make such a huge commitment to something that can chew him up and spit him out so easily? What if he did it, and then realized or even just learn to hate it? That it ends up making him feel more miserable than business management? Did he really want to change majors, let this whole year be lost and graduate a year after all his friends?

“Kun…” Ten raised an arm and covered his eyes with his forearm as if he feared the consequences of saying it out loud. “Dance is my wings.”

And Kun gave him a smile brighter and warmer than the sun. “Then fly little bird.”


	3. If this is love, why does it break me down?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I feel broken, shattered and blue,  
And it's all because of you."

Love is fire. It’s flames flicker and glow brilliantly, proudly radiating warmth in their reds and yellows, dancing around gracefully, like a dancer caught in the music, and they’ll make anything their stage no matter what it is. So warm, so beautiful, so welcoming. They pull you in hypnotically in their fierce, irresistible, yet innocent passion. Then the flames growl and bite. Because fire has no empathy, no values, no peace. Its flames dance with no thought of anything they consume to keep alive. They have no appreciation or understanding of what had been given to them and no concern for what would be left after. 

Ten had never been as stressed in his life.

Honestly, at first he’d thought that switching a major he loved for a career he wouldn’t be miserable in would finally bring a happy ending to his biggest dream, but the day after his “happy ending” he realized that it was foolish to think that one measly happy moment in the continuous stream of life wasn’t going to bring him eternal happiness. He may have expected to have a bad moment eventually, he just hadn’t expected it to be this bad.  
Everything was piling up. His family’s business went bankrupt. His sister couldn’t afford to go to university next year and hadn’t received any scholarships. He got fired from his jobs at the convenience store and restaurant because he was so tired from all his classes and was working slower than usual. He was about to fail three classes because he hadn’t had enough time to study due to him working all the time. He couldn’t find a job that would pay him anything more than below the barely livable minimum wage.

Ten felt like he was going to scream.

Sat across the table, Kun, who sat with his own set of papers and documents, gave Ten and his stack of papers a concerned glance, before speaking up. “What’s up?”

“Just considering taking out a loan to send my family some money, but I need a job for that, and I’m qualified for none of these job openings.” Ten rubbed a hand over his face, sighing.

“Ah,” Kun mumbled, then reached for his bankbook from his book bag next to the table and began writing something in it. He then tore out a page and set it on the table. “There you go, let me know if you need more.”

There on the table sat a check for 60 million Korean won.

Rage builds deep inside him like a spark igniting into a growing flame. It curled in the pits of his chest, growing wilder and harder to tame, then it started crawling through his veins and into every inch of his body until every single part of him screamed with a burning heat and waves of pure rage rolled of him into his surroundings. His eyes remained locked with the check as his hands tightened into fists and an urge to destroy itched at them. Slowly, he raised his eyes from the check to Kun who sat at the table in front of the check, watching Ten with confused eyes.

“Do you have any idea how it makes me feel when you do that?” The bite in Ten’s voice pierced the thick atmosphere in the room. “Or is your head stuck so far up your parent’s money that you can’t understand the real world?”

“What do you mean?” Kun asked, eyebrows raised. And that made Ten explode. Just the sheer ignorance of the effects of his actions made Ten want to flip a table since for the past year Kun had been infantilizing Ten. Ten can’t deny that after their talk in his bedroom that one night that made him decide to switch majors, they’d gotten closer than ever. Kun was weird but the nicest person Ten had ever met and through scheduled hangout nights they’d learned to become the best of friends. However, Ten had quickly picked up on Kun’s habit of over-giving, and at first, it was calm, like always paying when they went out, or constantly buying Ten small, inexpensive gifts, but once Ten had begun confiding in Kun about his recent financial struggles, Kun had begun giving him money every morning, paying for his phone and transportation bills, gifting him things he happened to need, attempting to send Ten’s family money, offering him jobs he was underqualified for at businesses he knew nothing about, and it had gotten to the point where Ten could not do one single monetary transaction without Kun meddling in it.

Of course, Ten knows what everyone would think: “He’s trying to help, he’s trying to make your situation better.” But Ten couldn’t help but feel bitter about it. It felt like he was racking up a debt to his friend, and guilt ate at him every single day that he couldn’t wake up and say that he was doing better and could start to pay him back or at least how Kun that he could be successful.

“This is why everyone sees you like a fucking doormat they can beat money out off, Kun.” Ten fumed, maintaining eye contact with Kun. “You keep putting your money where your mouth is like that, you’ll choke.”

“Ten, I’m only trying to help.” Kun straightened his posture and narrowed his eyes at Ten, tilting his head. “What’s so wrong with that?”

“What’s so wrong with that?” Ten echoed, raising his voice with every word until he was shouting. “What’s so wrong with that is that you’re acting as if I’m a fucking child that can’t manage his finances and survive on his own! I appreciate the help, Kun, but when I get phone calls from you asking me how much I spent for the day and if I need more money every three hours it gets fucking frustrating! I’m 21, not 2!”

Kun crossed his arms, sparks of a fire in his eyes. “Don’t you think that maybe it’s because I’m your friend and I want to make this as easy for you as possible!”

“But, Kun,” Ten hissed. “I haven’t been seeing you as a friend since you became my fucking loan provider instead.”

And the fire. It burns. It grows tearing everything in its path and reaching hungrily for anything that it can consume to fuel its mindless violence. One misstep down the fire escape and they were burning.

With that, Kun just sat there staring at Ten, arms crossed, teeth-gritting, and eyes reflecting a bubbling anger Ten had rarely ever seen before, but definitely had never been on the receiving end of. Ten could see Kun’s knuckles were turning white from how he had them clenched and his usually calm face was red from suppressed anger.

“Ten,” Kun spoke up after a few moments of tense silence, voice calm yet heavy with unlying anger. “I love you and I respect you so much, so let’s talk about this tomorrow when we’re both calm.”

That sparked even more anger in Ten’s chest, causing him to give an irritated stomp to the wooden floor. “No! You just love running away from confrontation, huh?”

“No, Ten!” Kun abruptly stood up from the chair, slamming his hands on their dining table. A loud crash sound from where Kun’s chair tips back and falls due to the sheer force he stood up with, but Ten and Kun were too busy staring the other down in their challenging stances. 

“I’m being the adult you clearly can’t be here, we are done for the night.” Kun seethed, then walked away, disappearing into the hallway and Ten soon after heard the echoing closing of his bedroom door.

Ten’s anger reached its all-time peak and he let out an angry high pitched scream, tearing up the check on the table to pieces then flipping the table and kicking the chairs. But once the noise settled, Ten was alone. 

His shoulders dropped as the anger bled out of him slowly, replaced by the familiar whispers of the emptiness he could never seem to escape nowadays. Or maybe it was the touch of the despair that held him every night and rocked him to sleep in a lullaby of tears and pain. Or maybe despair’s cousin guilt had decided to visit once more and provide her unprompted opinions on him again. But that this point Ten felt so tired he couldn’t tell the difference.

Ten picked up the weight on his heart and laid on his couch. There Ten was a huddled heap of violent, chaotic thoughts, unable to even cry until his consciousness ebbed. 

When Ten came back to consciousness the following morning, it was to the sound of glass clinking against glass and soft footsteps circling the couch. He was taking more time than usual to convince himself to face the day as the negative emotions still ate away at his heart and mind, but while weighing the pros and cons of just staying there with his eyes closed, he heard Kun’s voice break the quietness of the living area.

“Good morning, Ten.” Kun’s gentle voice filled Ten’s ears and he couldn’t help but curse at himself for making his internal dilemma noticeable.

“You didn’t give yourself away, I just know you well.” Kun laughed. Ten opened his eyes and let his eyes adjust to the bright orange glow the living room was filled with because of their thin yellow curtains, before he sighed and sat up on the couch to face Kun. Kun sat on the floor at the other side of the coffee table, legs crossed, and wearing his signature sweater and jeans combo, this time with a black sweater and cream jeans. 

The coffee table in front of Kun was set with a few plates of pancakes, bacon, eggs, and fruits, and Ten wondered how Kun managed to prepare all the food before Ten woke up, knowing that Ten was an extremely light sleeper. Ten scooted forward off the couch to sit on the floor in front of the coffee table, muttering a quiet “thanks”, and began to eat breakfast with Kun.

Once they were done, Kun got up and placed all the dishes in the sink, before returning to sit at his spot at the other end of the coffee table once more. A heavy, thick silence fell over them for a few moments before Kun spoke up.

“We need to talk about last night.” Kun leaned back to support himself with his hands. “You know what I told you about bottling your feelings until you blew up, and I’m hurt that I caused you pain and you didn’t tell me. I thought we were supposed to trust each other enough to talk about things like that.”

Ten avoided eye contact with Kun but swallowed the lump in his throat to reply anyway. “I’m sorry, Kun.”

“I’m sorry too…” Kun replied sadly.

“I’m sorry I called you a doormat...and that I said your head was too far up your parent’s money.” Ten took a deep breath and released in an attempt to calm down his shaking heart. “There is no excuse to ever justify that and I really should have spoken to you before it got to that point. So now: Kun it feels like you’re suffocating me.”

“I love you so much, and I knew that all you wanted was to give me the best you could. But it felt like you were infantilizing me, like you didn’t think I was capable of making adult decisions to properly stay afloat, like I wasn’t trustworthy. Not to mention you kept throwing money at me all the time, and God did it make me feel small. Everyday I wake up and it feels like I’m sinking into a pit of quicksand and every time you hand me over more cash it’s like you put more weight on me. It makes me feel like I’m inferior and forever in your debt, and overall a failure.” Ten covered his face with his hands.

Kun sighed. “Ten you’re not a failure. Far from it really, because Ten you’re one of the most inspiring people I know, and every day so many people you know wake up and use you as motivation to be better than they ever dreamed they could be, because you give them strength. I get what you feel, as I always felt the same way with my parents. But, Ten, at the end of the day I learned that it was okay to accept their willing help. Maybe you can’t accept it like I do, and that’s fine, just let me still help and we can talk about the boundaries.”

“We can.” And there in the gentle wash of the new day’s light, Ten felt hope.

But really, love is ash. Love is what happens when the flame is spent and the ash cloud of disappointment settles. Like a burned down house, love is the thick blankets that cover everything nearby in choking black ash. Love is the chaotic remains of the flame’s graceful dance, a mixture of good and bad memories inevitably scorched leaving behind only the blackened weak skeletons of what once was. Love leaves a blank slate filled with ashes, no longer recognizable, but able to create a new environment for seedlings to grow into beautiful, strong plants.


	4. I used to wonder how it'd feel like

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I used to wonder what love is,  
But ever since you've been around,  
I finally think I have it figured out,  
What I missed then, but see now,  
I found out, I know now."

Love is uncertain. It exists in interchanging variables and constant pop-ups and no matter how many variables are controlled or how well the scene is understood, love is taking a high risk. Love exists chaotically and unexpected, yet so addicting, a few hours is all it takes and suddenly there is a loud thumping in your chest and warmth in your body. Love is dangerous because it is fragile, one unexpected fall and you’re left with broken shards of something beautiful.

The misty, cold street lights illuminated the blankets upon blankets of snow that covered every possible surface in the neighborhood. Snowflakes danced through the air and the milky white moon hung like an ornament in the darkening sky, ignoring that it was only 5:30 pm.

“Shit,” Ten seethed, speed walking and rubbing his hands together, quietly cursing at himself for forgetting his gloves in the morning. The cold, frosted air forced its way into his lungs and stung his eyes. His hands were going numb from the cold, and Ten began unwrapping his scarf letting the cold winter air kiss and nip at his neck, in exchange for wrapping the scarf around his hands so they don’t fall off. He tensed his muscles and huddled closer into his jacket with the passing wind, and watched as his breath formed clouds in front of him. He was nearly home, he could see the apartment building a few blocks away, but those few blocks felt like walking through the desert winter of Antarctica.

Once Ten arrived at the door of his apartment building, he threw himself at the door, opened it, and practically cried at the feeling of warm air. It should have been a sin to have to go into the studio on Christmas eve, but Taemin insisted on having a fun day with the students before the studio went on a two and a half week break till the new year. Ten just wanted to stay in and spend the day watching those crappy Christmas movies Kun loved so much. But, he didn’t regret agreeing to go in at all, even if he froze his ass off on the way there and back because the smile on his student’s faces was the best reward he could ever receive.

Two months after his fight with Kun, he ended up landing a receptionist job at Move Dance Studio, a new dance studio opened by a young choreographer named Lee Taemin. The job was part-time and had a pretty decent pay compared to other part-time jobs Ten had worked at, and the workload was light enough that he could observe certain classes taught by Taemin or Jimin, the other choreographer and Taemin’s best friend. It also came with the benefits that he could use the dance rooms whenever he wasn’t on shift and the rooms weren’t booked.

Ten’s habit of practicing for his dance course there, instead of at the dance studio at his university, had come to his benefit when Taemin approached him six months into his job as a receptionist and offered him a job teaching kids in a program Taemin was trying to open. Taemin was opening an after school program dedicated to keeping kids from poverty concentrated areas off the street and learning something that could boost their self-esteem, discover their talents, and give them a sense of accomplishment. The “Everyone Can Dance” program opened to the community's kids around a month, with the mission statement to break the cycle of poverty through dance.

The program was Ten’s pride and joy, having been the main teacher, and now two years later the program was helping lift the local kids out of their generational and family poverty by offering life lessons through dance, shelter, and food in case of emergencies, and funding to give five scholarships so that older kids could attend college. It had been a hassle to get the program sponsored by the well-off citizens of the community at first, but Kun had been their first sponsor, and thanks to him they were able to organize a show to showcase the talent of their students, earning the program sponsorships from big universities and companies.

So, while he hated the weather, and honestly wanted to stay home, he wouldn’t have even if he could, just to be able to make Christmas a little better for his students.

Ten trudged his way into the elevator and up to the sixth floor to where his and Kun’s apartment was. Once he arrived at his door, he began looking for his keys to the quiet sound of Christmas ballads from behind the door.

Entering his apartment was like entering a whole new dimension. The cold, blue winter was left behind him and he was embraced in the warm orange glow of the place he’d learned to call home. Over the years they’d moved and made the new apartment’s closed space and connected hallways an interesting place to be, with various mismatched figurines and photos hung on walls depicting the relationship they’ve built with each other and their friends.

“I’m home!” Ten yelled into their apartment as he slipped off his shoes and winter wear. He could hear the ballads louder now accompanied by louder singing from Kun and coming from the clear direction of their kitchen, so Ten quickly made his way down the hall to the first door on the right and slammed the door open to reveal their kitchen. Inside, Ten watched as Kun stopped singing, jumped about a foot in front of the oven, then whipped around to stare at Ten with a hand over his heart.

“And that’s how you’re going to get robbed one day.” Ten stepped forward to grab a protein bar from one of the cabinets, shaking his head. “I even yelled I was home.” 

“Don’t eat that,” Kun turned back around to continue checking on whatever he had in the oven. “I’m baking chicken and you need to eat it.”

Ten sighed and put the protein bar back, then went to sit at the island to watch Kun. Kun was in his typical sweaters, this time a tacky green one with a Christmas tree plastered on the front, and a pair of light washed jeans. His hair was a messy golden brown, and his thick-rimmed glasses sat on the bridge of his nose signaling here barely bothered with his appearance that day. “I’m guessing you had fun with the house all to yourself today?”

“Not even close; Lucas, Hendery, Yangyang, and Xiaojun were here till around 3:30 pm and nearly gave me six heart attacks.” Kun pouted, picking up two covered bowls and set them on the island, then turned back the cabinets to pick up plates, cups, and cutlery. “But how was your day?”

“The kids were monsters, as usual, talented and cute monsters, but my feet hurt from chasing after them all day.” Ten answered, laughing to himself with a soft smile on his face.

“At least it seems like you had fun.” Kun gives him a smile, then turns to open the fridge and pulls out some vegetables. “Come help me by chopping up some veggies for the salad.” Ten stood up and headed over to the sink to wash his hands, while Kun pulled out a chopping board, a bowl, and a knife, then Ten got started on the salad.

They continued in comfortable, light silence, as they worked in the kitchen space and Ten’s eyes needed some time to adjust to the overwhelming light surrounding them.

Just standing there, looking at Kun, it was as if every ounce of breath was stolen from his lungs, absent as if it was never his to begin with. Just there in their kitchen, Ten’s whole world stopped leaving just the two of them to wander in each other’s company. With every smile, every brush of skin, it felt like gentle hands unraveling every knot created in his soul and breaking every wall built in his heart. And Kun’s eyes were galaxies poetic and beautiful, making him feel like he could conquer anything by Kun’s side.

Ten knew - this was what falling in love was like. A story that he never wanted to end, a euphoria he couldn’t bear to lose, he was high on a feeling that made him so complete. Falling in love with Kun was like entering a house and finally realizing that he was home.

Oh, damn. Falling in love was the easy part; it was admitting to himself that it happened that was hard.


	5. And color me free

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Trying to set straight the lines that I trace,  
To find some relief,  
This voice inside,  
Has been eating at me,  
Trying to embrace the picture I paint."

Love is unconditional. It is loyalty through good and bad times. It sees the worth in those less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses. Love is an embrace, from a friend, from a mother, from a lover, and it knows no gender, sexuality, race, or nationality, it just loves. And it never stops, a criminal that adheres to no rules; with it, the only choice given to its victims is the role of the accomplice in its “sins”.

Ten had decided it was time.

Seven years. For seven years he’d ignored that maybe his sexuality wasn’t what his family wanted, that maybe he wasn’t living as the Ten he wanted so desperately to be. And all it took was falling in love with his best friend to see he couldn’t escape himself anymore.

One day he had woken up and realized that the weight on his chest was getting heavier, that he couldn’t bear to even look at himself in the mirror, much less at Kun. So, he’d impulsively called Kun into his room for an emergency best friend meeting.

Oh, how desperately he wanted to chicken out, but as Kun sat at the edge of Ten’s bed, with his signature air of gentle concern, Ten knew that it was then or never. Ten sat next to Kun, avoiding eye contact and anxiously bouncing his right leg up and down. A tense silence fell over them, and Kun reached over to place his hand over Ten’s fidgeting leg, as a sign of comfort.

But in Ten’s head, it was like he’d poured gasoline on the tiny flames of fear in Ten’s stomach, and now they were roaring monsters consuming all other emotions before Ten could convince them to overpower the fear. His hands trembled, his eyes were glassy with unshed tears, and sweat trickled down his heating body. 

In his head, his world crumbled around him with every word he thought of, but couldn’t seem to escape his mouth. Scenario after scenario, all different ways he could have done it, but they all had a common pattern: Kun telling him he was disgusting and leaving. His heart cracked in his shaking hands just at the thought of Kun leaving, and Ten couldn’t believe he was doing it for real.

Kun was there when Ten was struggling financially. Kun was there when Ten got his heartbroken by Irene in their third year. Kun was there when Ten’s father was diagnosed with late-stage cancer and Ten’s tears flooded their apartment. Kun was there when Ten graduated after a long battle with his self-doubt and long night nights in the studio. Kun was there when Ten was high on the joy of bringing good to their community. Kun was there when no believed Ten was worthy of any love, or compassion, and Kun gave him all the support he could. They’d seen each other cry holding the foundations they created on the battlefields of their lives, and they emerged still victorious in their friendship. So, why would this be any different?

“Kun…” Ten looked up, voice shaky and weak. “I...I...Fuck…”

“Breathe, Ten.” Kun reached over the table to hold onto one of Ten’s trembling hands in his own. “Follow my breathing, look at me.”

“Kun…” Ten felt his heart attempting to beat its way out of his chest and his knees wobbly. “Kun...I’m...gay.”

Silence fell over them and Ten could already feel his heart start to fall apart. He continued staring at the coffee table, eyes wide, breathing harsh and staggering, while a paralyzing hurt traveled through his veins and he could feel the tears finally falling from his eyes, but at a pace quicker than he’d expected. He brought his shaky hands to his face in a failed attempt to clear his face of the hot tears, and within a few seconds, he felt two cold hands gently touch his hands.

Ten held his breath, as the hands enclosed themselves over his, then slowly lowered Ten’s hands. Sobs escaped Ten’s mouth at their joined hands in Ten’s lap, and he threw his gaze upwards to catch sight of Kun’s face. Their eyes met for the first time since Ten had decided that he could no longer deny himself, and with the prettiest smile Ten had ever seen, Kun radiated a pure love and kindness that Ten had never expected to receive.

“And I love you just the same.” His smile was one of gentle sunlight touching the petals of a blooming flower in happiness, a smile more than just mouth heard in his voice and seen in his relaxed posture.

Ten threw himself into Kun’s embrace, where through relieved wails, snot, and comforting words, they built a new foundation in not only Ten’s life, but also their friendship.


	6. Make you feel my love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "When the rain is blowing in your face  
And the whole world is on your case,  
I could offer you a warm embrace,  
To make you feel my love,  
When the evening shadows and the stars appear,  
And there is no one there to dry your tears,  
I could hold you for a million years,  
To make you feel my love."

Love is silence. It knows no past or future and smiles softly but never speaks. It is quiet understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is a language understood only through the emotions that fill our being, its gentle embraces, and mutual respect. It keeps boundaries and remains steady and patient, despite the noise of the world. 

Ten was having a lazy day, as it was his only day off for the week when Kun came home.

It was a calm day with Ten laid over the couch, the random songs of street traffic, distant talking, and quiet whistling wind were all background noise to Ten’s tv shows that he’d been watching all day. It was a kind of freedom he loved, where he escaped the fast-paced city life, to a quiet patient pocket of calmness he’d learned to appreciate as he aged.

Kun arrived uncharacteristically like a noisy hurricane. Ten heard the front door slam open and bounce against the hallway wall and a few times then it was slammed closed, and then the sounds of light objects being thrown on the hallway floor before heavy footsteps brought Kun to stand in the doorway to the living room.

Kun was one of those people who’d hurt on the inside but would hide it and spent his time believing that he hid the pain well. Truth was that Kun was one of those people that everyone could easily read. His pain always showed in the way his eyes avoided eye contact and looked a lot more tearful than usual, his smile lacked its signature warmth, and his usual near-perfect posture dropped, but to that day Ten had never told him. Still, Ten was honored to be one of the only people he’d never attempt to sell his failed facade to and when Kun’s eyes began watering up and his bottom lip began to tremble, Ten scrambled off the couch and immediately embraced Kun in the tightest, warmest hug he could manage. Kun quietly shook with silent sobs as Ten rocked them side to side and ran his fingers through Kun’s hair in an attempt to comfort him. 

Eventually, Ten moved them to the sanctuary of Kun’s room, and cuddling on Kun’s bed the silence caressed them like a gentle breeze for the hours to come, touching their souls and smoothing out the day’s jagged edges. It was amazing how much the silence and just their actions spoke for them, like finding home no matter where they were.

Ten felt the squeeze of love in his heart. There in Kun’s soft, warm bed, as he held Kun in his arms, his love bred a form of compassion and empathy, that Ten couldn’t help but feel Kun’s sadness as if it were his own, his pain as if it were Ten’s own pain, and he didn’t even know why Kun was hurting. And as Ten looked into Kun’s eyes, time collapsed into itself, leaving them in their own tiny bubble of forever; a moment in which Ten’s love was infinite, and Kun was forever home, in Ten’s arms.

Ten imagines that maybe in another world, they would both fall in love with each other and that it wouldn’t just be Ten left with the breathlessness of witnessing a billion stars in Kun’s eyes. That Kun’s hand would reach for his and their fingers would interlock as they kiss tentatively under the romantic moonlight in their kitchen, passionately and then, tenderly. That on cold winter days, they’d lay together in each other’s company and they’d both glimmer with the glitter dancing on their skin and bask in the tingling warmth that would settle into their bones.

Ten thinks that maybe, just maybe, if he wasn’t so afraid, the silence could be filled by gentle words, and his imagination could come to life. 

But love is quiet because it knows that in its silence exists no rejection.


	7. What a privilege it is (to love).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I’ll go anywhere you want,  
Anywhere you want,  
Anywhere you want me."

The shop Ten stood in gleamed inside and out, with its sterile white, accents of gold, and various jewels that served as decorations hanging from the ceiling. It was in no way luxurious, resembling more like an over-air-conditioned shoebox than anything else, but the unblemished and bright uniforms of the employees gave the feeling of beauty if you ignored their shallow, pasted-on smiles and cold eyes.

The lady in front of him and Kun had been going on and on about pricing and themes, until the point that Ten had tuned out both Kun and her. Ten had learned by now that wedding planning really wasn’t his thing, but he loved Kun enough that he’d never let him plan the wedding on his own. So, every once and a while Ten would nod his head or give a short, honest opinion on what Kun was choosing. 

“Ten,” Kun smiled turning to him. “Do you like this invitation?”

Ten looked at the invitation example he was holding up and it was perfect. That was the invitation they needed to fit the wedding’s theme, and Ten couldn’t help but smile and nod eagerly at Kun, who nodded back and chuckled. And that one tiny chuckle took Ten’s breath away, like always, Ten just couldn’t believe that after 11 years Kun still managed to make him feel like a smitten teenager.

By what they had been planning so far, the wedding would be perfect, and Ten couldn’t wait to see Kun in the suit they had picked out together. Ten could imagine it perfectly: A room buzzed with the excited chatter of kids and adults quieting down as Kun stepped up to the altar in his pristine black suit that hugged perfectly at his figure. Kun’s beautiful lips painted a natural pink and his hair neat and slicked back for the occasion. Ten could also picture Kun’s signature smile, the way it would battle the cold of the air-conditioned venue and sprinkle warmth over everyone in the crowd. Ten just couldn’t wait. 

Ten reached to his side and took Kun’s hand intertwined in his own, just to let the feeling of happiness wash over him in that moment. Then the moment came crashing down, like pieces of shattered glass, maybe more suitably: a shattered heart.

“Q-I-A-N K-U-N and K-A-N-G -S-E-U-L-G-I.” Kun spelled out for the lady. “Seulgi is my fiance.” He donned a smile Ten had never been on the receiving end of, just at the mention of her name. But Ten knew that smile, after all, he’d spent years being the one giving Kun that smile. It was a smile that transcended time, distance, and mortality because it was a smile filled with pure, unadulterated love. Oh, how much it hurt.

Nonetheless, Ten smiled. He smiled as Kun confirm the order and paid. He smiled as they walked out of the shop and Kun joked that with how much Ten was helping him plan it might as well had been their wedding, not his and Seulgi’s. Ten smiled as they walked down the street to Kun’s car hand in hand. Ten smiled the whole car ride to his apartment. Ten smiled as he said goodbye and Kun drove away after dropping Ten off. Ten smiled all the way to the third floor on his way to his studio apartment. Ten smiled as he opened his door, stepped inside, and closed it with his back against the door.

Then Ten looked around to his bare, cold, and lifeless studio apartment. There were no pictures on the wall, no mismatched figurines, no warm atmosphere, no city noise, and most of all, no Kun. A reminder that no matter how much he kept imagining the same thing over and over again, he’d been cursed to watch his so-longed for paradise be picked apart piece by piece. This was his realm, a tomb as quiet as a mausoleum, where the phone never rang and the door stayed shut. Where cold silence reigned, and he was cursed to never feel the glowing warmth of the light. Where he screamed for help, but no one could hear him in the sea of his own insecurities, faults, and failures.

The crushing heaviness he held in his heart belonged to gravity, and by now, Ten had had enough of trying to catch himself against its weight. So with his broken and tired soul, he leaned into its embrace, let his body hit the floor, and with despaired wails he let it hurt.

Because you see, love is invisible, undetectable with anything but the adoration in our minds and the thumping of our hearts. It is a maze of emotions that has us stuck in discord and the only way to understand love is to feel it, embody it, and embrace it. It is nothing like a business, we don't give a certain amount to get something back. We simply give and it doesn't lead us to sulk when we feel the lack of it from our interests, but it teaches us how to be understanding and to love everyone into their true selves. Love nurtures happiness, even if it is not our own at first, and it cares, even if it’s from millions of miles away.

**Author's Note:**

> honestly. this was shittier than I had expected it to be, but it's still my babie so give me validation for it pls. i beg.
> 
> it was super fun to be part of weishen fest, and it is officially the first fest i've made it to the end for!! shout out to the mods for doing such a good job!
> 
> one day i'll get around to write a sequel for this...


End file.
